If you really think about it, relationships are the riskiest thing that people willingly subject themselves to. They are investments of time and attention and energy in another human being who, despite your similarities, is so different from you that you may never truly know that person at the end of it all. Every experience you share is “shared” as much as a cake can be, in that different slices from the same cake can be experienced completely differently, and usually are. On top of this, people are constantly changing. And we can change our minds so easily that we can’t possibly be sure that what we want now will be the same in a year, in a week, in an hour. The only solution is frequent honest communication, which sounds simple and obvious, and yet most people don’t do it. Like exercise, everyone agrees it’s important, but few are able to start and keep it up. And even if you and your partner are able to verbally commit to communicating openly and often, it takes practice because most of us aren’t used to it, so you both are going to make mistakes again and again, and I hope at least one of you can be patient. And worse, we sometimes say one thing and do another. Or say one thing and mean something else entirely. Or say one thing and have no idea what we actually think or feel. And all throughout, both of you are trying to read into every little word and action for validation — a feeling of being understood and cared for. So yes, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to admit that despite all of this effort, one of you could change your mind at any time. And it’s even more difficult to admit it if it actually happens. And yet, you have to trust each other from the get-go, despite barely knowing one other, that you’ll be able to have difficult conversations and be brutally honest about uncomfortable truths. And despite all this paralyzing uncertainty, you have to find a way to be present. To be passionate. To give more than you get. To put someone else’s needs ahead of your own. To be selfishly selfless. And all the while you continue to invest a lot of time and money and attention toward the relationship, which adds up, even if you only see each other occasionally and even if you are keeping your options open, leading you to ask yourself, every so often, whether the relationship is worth it. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, it’s so obviously worth it that you don’t even have to think about it. The other times are Moments of Truth.

It’s a wonder that long-term relationships ever work. But we all know they can, and if it happens, it can be wonderful. But, like all great things, it takes a lot of effort to make it look easy. And it takes willingness. Both people have to see their relationship as a project they’re collaborating on, facing problems and solving them together, as a team. It’s about quality, not quantity. That’s why I’m not impressed by people who’ve been together for a long time. It’s easy to stay in a relationship; it’s unimaginably hard to make it mutually fulfilling. So get it while you can and good luck at it.