Meet in the middle
March 5, 2010 You meet new people every day, even though you aren’t formally introduced. You stand with them in elevators, walk by them on sidewalks; they serve you at restaurants and get in your way at the fountain drinks; they sit with you in traffic and cut you off while talking on their phones. Every day you pass potential friends or lovers, maybe someone you could help or someone who could help you. They see you or you see them, or sometimes both, but only for a moment and then it’s forgotten. Even though you miss these opportunities, you don’t care. You don’t even notice. You don’t mind that they remain strangers because you didn’t know them anyway and you’ll likely never see them again.
Every so often, a person emerges from the shadows of anonymity — a friend introduces you to her friend, or the person beside you strikes up a conversation, or some other happenstance. If the conversation is mostly impersonal, you perform the expected niceties and small talk that allow you to get from point A to point B as pleasantly as possible. Sometimes the conversation manages to get personal, but even then, you usually don’t feel pressured to make much of an effort. You’re not invested in the outcome so you’re not self-conscious. And if the conversation is interrupted or ends awkwardly, you don’t mind. After a brief moment of familiarity, the person becomes a stranger once again.
But once in a while, something peculiar happens. From this huge pool of unknown strangers and temporary connections, you meet someone who, for whatever reason, you want to have a better relationship with. Maybe you’re attracted to the person and your interest is piqued; maybe it’s your future mother-in-law and you want her approval; maybe it’s a coworker you respect and you’d like reciprocation. Whatever the case, you care what that person thinks about you and how they act toward you. You’re invested in the outcome, and you feel compelled to make an effort. And so, with a courageous disregard of vulnerability, you decide, sometimes subconsciously, to try.
What if the person just isn’t giving you the time of day? What if they aren’t reciprocating your effort or your interest? Worst of all, what if it feels impossible for you not to care about a relationship? Depending on your disposition, you start by feeling either inadequate or indignant. But when those feelings pass, you’re left in the agonizing position of deciding what to do next. What’s worked for me, in relationships both romantic and platonic, is a simple idea that was difficult to learn:
Meet in the middle.
If you give a relationship your best effort — if you go to “the middle” — then you’ve done your part, and that’s all you can expect. If the other person doesn’t make an effort, knowing why isn’t as important as knowing that you tried. Now it’s their turn, and all you can do is wait, patiently, at the middle. But this isn’t a stop-your-world kind of waiting. You’re not sitting there thinking about the person, emotionally invested in their decision. Your life goes on.
Just to be clear, here’s what I’m not saying: I’m not saying you should always wait for the other person to make the first move. (Take chances. Break the ice.) I’m not saying you should always expect something in return. (Give more than you get. You can scale back later.) I’m not saying that the solution to everything is compromise. (“The middle” is about making effort, not making solutions.) And I’m not saying you should give up on people easily. (Everyone deserves a second chance.) I am saying to be reasonable and pay attention. And I am saying to be selective about the people in whom you invest time and energy.
It’s tempting to go past the middle, overcompensating for another person’s lack of effort with too much effort on your part, especially when you want so much for the relationship to work. If you catch yourself doing this, STOP. Chances are, the other person isn’t thinking about your relationship the way you are. Or they just don’t care as much as you. Neither is wrong in the moral sense; they’re just wrong for you. The right people are those who, without having to try, care. And because they care, try anyway.
In a way, while waiting at the middle for the other person to get there, they become a stranger again — one of the billions of people in the world whom you don’t yet care to know. Who knows: maybe, like strangers sometimes do, they’ll surprise you. And if they don’t, well, you’ll be too busy living your life to notice.
Essays
Reader Comments (9)
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Lovely Ian...gosh we are due for a dit down chat...it's been TOO long.
I love your insight on relationships. Very practical and eye-opening.
Thank you,
oops I meant "sit down" sorry about that...
thanks for being the head to my heart.
so what are your thoughts on overcompensating in order to make the other person realize? is that not my job? (all hypothetical btw) is overcompensation not a good way for the other person to realize what/who they have? sometimes i feel one party has to bear the bulk of the work in order for the other person to even realize there is a middle to meet in. ideally it shouldnt happen that way but there are a lot of oblivious people in this world.
"It's tempting to go past the middle, overcompensating for another person's lack of effort with too much effort on your part, especially when you want so much for the relationship to work. If you catch yourself doing this, STOP. RIGHT. AWAY. Chances are, the other person isn't thinking about your relationship the way you are. Or they just don't care as much as you. Neither is wrong in the moral sense; they're just wrong for you. Don't waste any more of your time and energy or else you'll miss out on someone who is worth all that. Someone who, without having to try, cares. And because they care, tries anyway."
this hit home. thanks for your insight on liiiife, ian. this is just what i needed. <3
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
Erika, I've heard stories of people who met the love of their life and the other person didn't feel the same way, but eventually they came around. I guess, if you feel that a person deserves that, you can stick around as long as you're willing. I'd just pay attention to how they treat you during the one-sidedness. If they take advantage of you or aren't honest with you, that should be a dealbreaker.
I know people aren't usually that sure or serious about a person. But for both scenarios, I still say you should go to the middle. Give more than you get, but not indefinitely. And again, pay attention to how they treat you. Be honest, letting them know how you feel. But don't push them. Don't expect to drag them to the middle. They have to be willing, and you can't make someone willing directly. You can do it indirectly by hitting all the right notes, by playing all your cards right. But don't expect people to change cause they usually don't.
The right people will appreciate your mature approach, and will respond in kind.
"Don't expect to drag them to the middle. They have to be willing, and you can't make someone willing directly."
yes. completely. as much as you overcompensate, there's only so much control you have in the situation. though i was a communication major, two things ive learned which may go against what ive learned in school are
1) that the powers of persuasion only go so far... there are so many more factors in it such as timing, openness to acceptance, etc. that though you may be playing your cards right, you still have to be sensitive to these factors and be comfortable relinquishing your mental control over them
2) most things are best communicated with the act of not doing/saying anything.... allowing room for the other person to meet you in the middle. giving that person the respect and time to realize your value without having to convince them
ian. i love you. meet me in the middle. baby.
this essay means a lot to me.
people are interesting, aren't they?
Nice one Ian!